1. Salads. Blue cheese is not a dressing. While we’re at it, neither is pureed avocado, spiced mayo or the above bacon-flavoured spread which, frankly, is just a threat to mankind. Clinically proven to make you fatter than burgers, is it because the main ingredient is sadness?
2. Not exiling the person that invented ‘Fluff’… Sorry but marshmallow is simply not a flavour that needs savouring. The stuff is a textural nightmare – all sloppy and sludgy, sticking to your knife and the corners of your mouth, you’ve got to eat it in under 10-seconds before it’s rock-solid. No-one wants to play time challenge with a piece of toast.
3. Obsessions with the Kardashians. They get fat, they get skinny, we get it. Kim eats scones? Another piece of hard-hitting journalism by Mail Online, then.
4. Cake euphemisms i.e. calling things ‘pops’ ‘bites’ and ‘moments’. Cheesecake bites are still cheesecake, sista. And why the fuck do they put everything on sticks… (Do all American cakes have vertigo?)
4. Pseudo-expert TV personalities. Case in point: the television show ‘The Doctors’. Are they real doctors? Why are they so shiny? No-one knows. They probably help all the cake pops deal with their identity issues.
5. The word ‘connect’ a.ka. ‘I’ll connect you two’, ‘Let’s connect’, ‘We should defintely connect some time’. What do you mean? Skype, share bodily fluids, let’s chow down on pescado tacos and talk about our daddy issues? Say it like it is: you would like to exchange a series of email correspondences.
6. Deep-frying stuff. We’re talking deep fried sushi (tried: tastes like cheesey smoked fish and regret), deep fried Oreos (tried: tastes like someone fried Oreos) and deep friend butter (not tried, never will).
7. Another American ew: unusual flavour combos. Sometimes they’re such a thing as too much variety, America… Step aside, Pad Thai Peanut Butter. Here’s some flavours to give a wide berth:
8. Religious-inspired exercise classes. The first yoga class I went to in NYC told me to ‘feel God’s relief through my toes’. I felt relief through my toes alright, leaving the fucking class.
9. Pickle backs. A shot of whisky, followed by a shot of pickle juice. Unsurprisingly gross. We tried, we liked, we tried again, we puked.
10. The American Dream. I can’t help but feel that if that term wasn’t invented, everything might be a whole lot better for you guys…
And a Couple Things America’s Got Just Right…
1. Customer service. You guys are just too charming.
2. Pop tarts. No-one knows what they are, but as the only item that was banned during my childhood, I can’t help but feel they possess some kind of magical quality. Anyone who likes the fudge one is a pervert.
3. 24-hour diners. 3am milkshake and eggs benedict? Yeah, go on then. Beats the donna kebab anyday.
4. The personal touches. Sure, it makes me wanna punch the barista every morning in Starbucks when she writes ‘Kelly’, ‘Shelley’ or ‘Melly’ on the cup, but fuck it, it’s America!
5. The American Dream. I take it back. Yay America!
Read why America’s got a lot of stuff wrong here...